BE

i've been so out of it. i feel like shit because the cold that has infiltrated this house has finally got me. its not cute; breathing outta your mouth cuz your nose is so clogged making your lips all chapped (i really hate that). but despite my trivial complaints i had a really good weekend =) like those weekends where you have no expectations whatsoever but end up having "the best fucking times of my entire fucking life" type thing. its like we all never skipped a beat.... so grateful to say the least. i've also been tryin to take life into my own hands and make things happen instead of complaining & waiting, i moved into the loft & im soooooo happy. the one thing i will truly take from this whole situation is that you should never take anything for granted; whether it be people or living space. its the truth. u really dont know what u got til its gone.

ANIWAIS, i havent blogged in a long ass time....i miss you blog. i'll be showin you some more love soon. i cant believe its novemba already. time fucking flies....somehow i thought about my life a year ago. things were different thats fo sho. sorry i couldnt help but. more about that later. but my medication is starting to kick in, ima go knock out now. but yay cuz i get to spend quality time w/my goddaughter lil k & another interview tomorrow....i will get this job. goodnight.

snatchy

snatchin access from la biblioteca [like you even care] aniwais, its that time again for me where it just winds down. so down where you have to think about grown up things. i've been tryna put it off for so long. it's hard when you've been broken down. its ugly actually. kinda more frustrating when you don't have your own space. the ideal of temporary is slowly becoming something more long-term, dare i say permanent. but you gotta do what you gotta do. i didnt ask for all this, but i'll accept it. when i catch myself complain about the status quo, i get disgusted with myself because the truth is that things could be way worse. right? things just got to me the other day. but its all good now. ya know when you wanna conversate with someone you havent talked to in a long time? good like that. it was a late night coo.

btw dont you hate awkward glances. like when you just glance away from your eyeline & lock eyes with a stranger? & not in those romantic, "only happen in the movies" glances. but those awkward, "didnt mean to," weird-ass glances. like right now, i looked up & caught the weird dude from across the way. i hate when that happens but i couldnt help it. grrrreat.

time to DO SOMETHING.

a love/hate letter

the thinnest line between love & hate

dear nclex rn,

i have two words for you:

wait, a couple more...

you've been on my fucking mind & i cant stand it. for reals, i think about you & how you've screwed me over. if anyone ever mentions you around me it gives me shivers in that anxious-stressed-to-the-max way. you are a constant reminder of all my inadequacies in life; the perpetual chip on my shoulder. its crazy to think how much you have a pull on me. i've made so many sacrifices for you & this is how you repay me. i risked it once and took a chance on you, but it didnt work out. i guess it just wasnt our fucking time. i get it, i got it. but now that you're around again, i wanna be free of you. you've brought out the worst in me and now i want you to bring out the best. i always thought that i was my own worst enemy but you may come in close second. i know that im trying my best to do my part but i have yet to experience your reciprocity. i dont think we could ever be friends but even though you've been the biggest pain in my ass i know you have my back. it was me, not you. i dont blame you for anything. i take responsibility. i'll admit that at times i didnt believe in myself. i dont know what was wrong w/me. but i want you to know that im trying to have faith in you because i know you mean well. i promise to have the strength to stand up to you, kick you in the ass and hopefully achieve success. im scared as all hell but i know this heartache will be worth it. i wanted to vent to you because i know that no one else will ever understand me. my family and friends are the best but they just dont get it & i dont expect them to but they're super supportive and i'll love them forever for that. this is vulnerability at its finest because i dont get vulnerable over nothing. i will be seeing you real soon, unless my nerves get the best of me. i will be ready to kick your ass and dominate. im motivated and determine as all hell. i know there's a stupid reason why we've had this long-ass relationship but i'll probably understand it one day. til we meet again. i cant fucking wait. you suck but as ms. blige says "you're allll... i neeeeeddd... to get byyyy."

much love/hate,

cinz [bsn, _ _]

ps. i'll dream about filling the rest of that in, one day...

im just not that into you

or am eye?

oh i know what im really into... so with slight hesitation i chic-flicked it and watched the big bad book turned movie HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. blah blah blah. i think they shoulda just done everyone a favor and called it HE DOESNT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU. hahaha. too much? didnt think so. aniwais, in my humble opinion i think that everyone could semi relate to this movie somehow in the luv department. although there was probly ONE predictable part that made me kinda swoon, becuz ya kno. other than that there was a lot of cringing and eye covering on my part. oh and for all the fellas and ladies too, scar jo was hottttt.

the suckiest part of my night could be summed up in 2 words: wet socks. sucked balls man. my boots decided that they were gonna give out already w/a tiny lil hole which let the flood gates of water into my shoe. it was not cute. i was living in dampness for a good portion of the night and you kno it was a muthafuckin storm up in here last night. fack. i need me some new boots. pronto.

spotless

its officially january 15th, the middle of the month. the first 15 days of the year are done and gone. some crazy shit's already gone down. but its cool cuz i know its always darkest before dawn. (i need to keep reminding myself that) i just finished watching eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. i love this movie. you either like it or ya dont. heres the plot if youre at all interested: a couple undergo a procedure to erase each other from their memories when their relationship turns sour, but it is only through the process of loss that they discover what they had to begin with. its just so original. its those indie type dig down deep for the meaning type love stories. i like movies like that. it makes you think. watch it and you be the judge.

anyhoo, i cant sleep. i dunno. maybe its this time of night. im such a night owl. i cant help it, i've always been. i couldnt sleep early to save my life. besides i kinda like how quiet it gets, like you feel youre the only person awake in the world while everyone else is snoozing away in lala land. i guess it just gives me time to think about thangs, people, life. sometimes i think of how i let myself become vulnerable. and how it felt unexpected but nice. i've managed to keep my guard up for so long and for the longest time i was proud of it because that meant i would never get hurt. but now that the chips are down i feel more human i guess. not that i was a robot or anything, i mean i have feelings and stuff. but i dunno. i just take them for what theyre worth. it is what it is. ok im just babbling now. i guess its true that things happen for a reason & im still trying to figure out those reasons. i mean to say im not taking things personal cuz i've gotta go and work some more. im content for now. dont know what to expect which can be scary or fun. in the meantime, i'll stay comforted w/the fact that i've found the silver lining in all of this. aniwais, when "shuffle" decides to play this song i mos def feel more human, i just listen to it for the fuck of it.


i know i'll snap myself out of it. i just gotta keep reminding myself to put first things first. wow i just realized how much "touchy feely" shtuff i wrote. so unlike me. fuck i guess i was feelin it. (i blame it on clem & joely) ok babies good morning, good afternoon, good evening and good night.