a love/hate letter

the thinnest line between love & hate

dear nclex rn,

i have two words for you:

wait, a couple more...

you've been on my fucking mind & i cant stand it. for reals, i think about you & how you've screwed me over. if anyone ever mentions you around me it gives me shivers in that anxious-stressed-to-the-max way. you are a constant reminder of all my inadequacies in life; the perpetual chip on my shoulder. its crazy to think how much you have a pull on me. i've made so many sacrifices for you & this is how you repay me. i risked it once and took a chance on you, but it didnt work out. i guess it just wasnt our fucking time. i get it, i got it. but now that you're around again, i wanna be free of you. you've brought out the worst in me and now i want you to bring out the best. i always thought that i was my own worst enemy but you may come in close second. i know that im trying my best to do my part but i have yet to experience your reciprocity. i dont think we could ever be friends but even though you've been the biggest pain in my ass i know you have my back. it was me, not you. i dont blame you for anything. i take responsibility. i'll admit that at times i didnt believe in myself. i dont know what was wrong w/me. but i want you to know that im trying to have faith in you because i know you mean well. i promise to have the strength to stand up to you, kick you in the ass and hopefully achieve success. im scared as all hell but i know this heartache will be worth it. i wanted to vent to you because i know that no one else will ever understand me. my family and friends are the best but they just dont get it & i dont expect them to but they're super supportive and i'll love them forever for that. this is vulnerability at its finest because i dont get vulnerable over nothing. i will be seeing you real soon, unless my nerves get the best of me. i will be ready to kick your ass and dominate. im motivated and determine as all hell. i know there's a stupid reason why we've had this long-ass relationship but i'll probably understand it one day. til we meet again. i cant fucking wait. you suck but as ms. blige says "you're allll... i neeeeeddd... to get byyyy."

much love/hate,

cinz [bsn, _ _]

ps. i'll dream about filling the rest of that in, one day...