last nite, she said:

"oh baby i feel so down..."

the aftermath of lastnite....NOT

last nite was carols annual pool partay; the poolhouse delivered again except for that dumb rent-a-cop but i cant hate cuz he's just doing his job & im tryna be his friend so for next time...ya know? i discovered my etoh tolerance was higher than i thought [good for me], i learned that boys have feelings too, weird wrinkly old dudes in shiny track suits shouldnt stay up past their bedtime, the cupcake masterpiece to feed an army was a hit and lots of "leftovers" & if ya didnt get it, thats code for boooooze....you know what that means. i'll let ya know when & where. hahahaha. you know it. aniwais, bday girl got drunk and i was just happy to catch up w/some good people. check & check. it was fun. i almost forgot that feeling, ALMOST. btw the "yan-man's" love for the SHAM WOW was too fuckin funny: it was those you-had-to-be-there type of moments. if yous wasnt there you missed out, be there next time. i jacked pix from jacko cuz ya know my girl is lightning fast when it comes to that shizz. i'll add more when im not lazy.

[pixxx]

all falls down

and she be dealing with some issues that you can't believe
single black female addicted to retail...

ok ok blog #2 in one day. people watching at the library aint cutting it & my nursing notes are starting to look like little wavy indistinctive lines. BUT, some stranger just came up to me and asked to take a video of me studying....um fucking awkward. first of all, i dont go to school here [i used to but im here because im waiting for my sis] & second of all its just weird. i said..."uhhhh." he was all like, "you just looked really studious & dont worry this is for the school's study/learning video" or some bullshit like that. yaaaa right, suuuurrre buddy. i was like duh its the fucking library that's what you're supposed to be doing, not the local mall/bar/what-have-you. but i just let him because i didnt want to make a scene in the library plus he was already filming. imagine spielberg coming up to you while you're studying except the exact opposite ok; this guy was black dude w/a semi-professional looking camera he probly bought from costco. he went from over the shoulder to full frontal view. i was trying to keep a straight face, trying to pretend to write notes but all i was typing was a bunch of nothing that looked like this: sdhpoi ohuawe weeiweb meds wjsf werjha sker. i was all nervous. hahahahahaha. who the fuck does that??? i better not see this video somewhere on YouTube w/someone's weird voice dubbed over my shot. ughhh. watch. what the hell did i get myself into?? im just nice, too nice. that was creepy. im getting shivers now. hahahaha. straight up stalker status i had to share.

but what you're really supposed to be getting from this blog was a phone convo that went like this & i felt compelled to share. although, the stalker incident is soooo trumping this..this kinda helps me deal w/the current status quo.

"i want you to hit me as HARD as you can"

this is your life and it's ending one minute at a time...

these 2 white boys. "white" fuckin hott. literally. hahaha. the victims of my distraction. anything to take away from the "real world." hahaha. as if my life is a reality show. NOT. if it was then i would be in the confessional right now venting my ass off. but that's not my style. i have a tendency to suppress things til no end. thats how i roll. its just easier that way, i dont like people up in my biznatch. my heart is no where near my sleeve. aniwais, my family ties are fucking pulling at me right now and this unexpected situation is forcing me to push my test date back. big surprise. basically, we're in a lurch. a crappy shithole kind of a lurch. you get the picture... my motha keeps saying in so many words that the passing of my test will be the remedy/cure-all/salvation to our problems. but hey NO PRESSURE though. geeeeez. thx mom. i'll just stroll right in save the day. no problem. hahahaha. but im trying to digest the current crisis mode my family is in while trying to master all the nursing content that can possibly fit in my brain. no biggie tho. ya right, it sure aint easy. but i apologize, friends if i've been M.I.A. but that'll just be something temporary. you know me. just pray for my test. now dont worry i wont pull a cindy and tell only one person hoping it wont get out cuz im trying to be "mysterious". oh wait that shit already happened. hahaha. that was my bad, kinda. shoulda known, i blame it on the feeling, blaaaaah; and what! i said it. how did i know that it was gonna go down like that. but that was just funny actually. all i can do is laugh that shit off. ok ok back to the grind. saturday will be a night. i'll reserve the fun til then. but i'll take on the distraction with these even zexier boyz ;)

break me off a piece of that....

pls look at rudd's chest hair. so manly...& GROSS. love em tho.

kid seester

someone's all growns up now....

happy 20th birrrrday, sill.

dear ading carol,

hahahahaha. you know we dont say that shit, imagine... but i shall use purple since its your favorite color. i know i do too much. anything for you. aniwais, you aint a teen no more. but i know you'll milk your age card for all its worth since you're the baby of the family. haha. if it makes you feel better you're the oldest 20 y/o i know. big 2-0. time fucking flies. doesnt it feel like yesterday we would torture each other, annoy each other to no end and get in stupid fights? oh wait a minute. that really was yesterday. hahahahahahaha. nooo, our fights arent that stupid. you just bring out the kid in me. i love how our family gets "annoyed" w/our deep lunged laughter and our inside jokes, you know how we do. as g-ma says, we're frick & frack. [i'll take frick]. but ya on the real, im glad we the bff's we are today. awwww. [tear] ya know what i mean. you're the one person who knows me best but can still keep it real w/me when i need it. you tell me how it is & you're always there at the drop of my beanie without fail. i know i throw around the word robot but i know you're all heart. ok girl [haha like that] hope you live it up today as you should. cupcakes will be in abundance this week you'll probly shit one out & the bday love will never get old. let the good things happen to you, ooook?? i hope this bday blog sufficed. cuz i know you're reading this instead of listening to your lecture. bad-ass. i did my best. cuz you's the best. love ya seester. too too much. dont know what i would do without you fo realz.

luv,
ate cinz

[what if you actually called me that? awkward...]

this baby will be waiting for you at home.


ps. im laughing right now because im tapping away writing this birday masterpiece and you are right in front me, knocked out, roommie. you have noooo idea. hahaha suckaaaa. i love it.









pps. remember this convo???

carol: someone's birthday is coming up.
g-ma: oh ya, wednesday right?? i know your birthday is wednesday.
carol: grandma, it's tuesday, march 24th!!! tuesday..... 5 days before your bday.
g-ma: so where we gonna eat?

hahahahahahahah.
gotta love her.

ok the end.
happy 20th birday.
i had too much fun w/this blog.
dunno if you could tell?

killa thursdaze

its thursday: the unofficial weekend day. i love thursdays for some reason. i dunno. maybe because it feels like you're getting a taste of the weekend without it really being the weekend. stay w/me, so you go out on thursday, party/chill/wateva tickles your pickle then you wake you up the next morning and guess what kids: its only friday... which means you still have the weekend left to be lazy & procrastinate or crazy & party it up some more. i dunno if that makes sense to you. but it does to me. or maybe because my school weeks used to be monday - thursday, so at the moment of freedom on thursday afternoons i would go out w/dan and be up to no good. hahaha. noooo never just stupid fun. but ya plus on thursdays it feels like there's no pressure or anything, its like a free for all. but although im spitting out all this thursday love, they just aint the same though. life kinda got in the way. but this needs to be changed, pronto. oh and it will. but more importantly....

a big birfday shoutout to my girl, MERYL. happy bday love!!! hope you live it up in vegASS. i know you & the girls will have a blast. sorry i aint ridin this weekend. im cryin on the inside. haha. but i'll be there in spirit. you know whats up. think of me when you see that photobooth. hahahaha. but yes, win big & drink like there's no tomorrow. hahahaha. just playing on the latter. have a great one <3 ya

this one's for patrick...

...santo patrick that is.

"it's like cinco de mayo, but for white people."

i know i know, a day late and a dollar short. so sue me. i've never really celebrated this holiday before but i felt festive this year so why the hell not. besides i've been bummed about turning down begas and other things non-test related so i decided to get out and release that stress. i dont like to stay bummed for too long its not good for my complexion. but i joined the buds and got a good buzzzz goin on. green beer was aight. the chant of the night was: "this one's for patrick, do it for patrick!!" as we made colin chuggg. hahahaha. good times. i miss that. but the 27's were the cherry on top.

ps. burbank you suck for establishing smoking laws, you're just making us break the law. suck ooooon that.

a love/hate letter

the thinnest line between love & hate

dear nclex rn,

i have two words for you:

wait, a couple more...

you've been on my fucking mind & i cant stand it. for reals, i think about you & how you've screwed me over. if anyone ever mentions you around me it gives me shivers in that anxious-stressed-to-the-max way. you are a constant reminder of all my inadequacies in life; the perpetual chip on my shoulder. its crazy to think how much you have a pull on me. i've made so many sacrifices for you & this is how you repay me. i risked it once and took a chance on you, but it didnt work out. i guess it just wasnt our fucking time. i get it, i got it. but now that you're around again, i wanna be free of you. you've brought out the worst in me and now i want you to bring out the best. i always thought that i was my own worst enemy but you may come in close second. i know that im trying my best to do my part but i have yet to experience your reciprocity. i dont think we could ever be friends but even though you've been the biggest pain in my ass i know you have my back. it was me, not you. i dont blame you for anything. i take responsibility. i'll admit that at times i didnt believe in myself. i dont know what was wrong w/me. but i want you to know that im trying to have faith in you because i know you mean well. i promise to have the strength to stand up to you, kick you in the ass and hopefully achieve success. im scared as all hell but i know this heartache will be worth it. i wanted to vent to you because i know that no one else will ever understand me. my family and friends are the best but they just dont get it & i dont expect them to but they're super supportive and i'll love them forever for that. this is vulnerability at its finest because i dont get vulnerable over nothing. i will be seeing you real soon, unless my nerves get the best of me. i will be ready to kick your ass and dominate. im motivated and determine as all hell. i know there's a stupid reason why we've had this long-ass relationship but i'll probably understand it one day. til we meet again. i cant fucking wait. you suck but as ms. blige says "you're allll... i neeeeeddd... to get byyyy."

much love/hate,

cinz [bsn, _ _]

ps. i'll dream about filling the rest of that in, one day...

iSMOKE

uSMOKE. we all smoke.

don't know what to do with your old ass, broke down, janky iPOD's? go green. & REDUCE, REUSE & RECYCLE.

ideal to conceal your "bad" habit. or the fact that you have cigs in the first place. there's this unwritten rule i try to follow: for every one i bum, i give two back. and cypher just keeps on rollin. this unwritten rule applies to everyone decent that is. there is an exception to the rule though. now if you're out and you see some weird creep scanning the crowd looking for his next cigarette victim & by luck you notice him before he has the chance to look at you, you nonchalantly turn the opposite direction and pretend to even notice him and pray to GOD that he passes you by. that's when you dont have to share cuz you dont wanna put yourself in a k-hole. BUT say this person isnt a creep and not bad, cute even, then its all gravy baby. i've had to learn the exception the hard way. but i share cuz i care when i can.
cleva huh.
time for a smoke break, who's coming w/me???

i cant believe

my ass is awake this early. actually i've been up since 6, AM that is. and how do i know that? my grandpa has this talking clock that says the time on the hour, that's how. like all of a sudden i'll hear, "it is now 5 o'clock" in a robotic he/she voice. i thought it was cool at first, then laughable now its bordering annoying. but ya. now im up i cant go back. we'll see what morning programming has to offer as i get some breakfast w/joe. i thought you coffee heads might like this. since ima dumbass and dont know how the hell to order coffee at those fancy cafe's where people wear those fancy berets and smoke skinny cigarettes. haha. i joke, do people still do that? good morning.

diy

im anxious right now. but family guy is making it go all away. aniwais, i've had the weirdest dreams lately. like weird crazy shit that would probly never happen in real life. or could they? the contents of the dreams dont make any sense and are too stupid to even share. but they were those dreams where you wish you could keep sleeping to see what would happen next but you somehow wake up cuz life is just that fair. ya know? watever. but im getting into a mojo right now. meaning my confidence in my brain power is building. i pat myself on the back. in the meantime, to help motivate me i will close my eyes and dream of life post test after i've passed then i'll be exactly happy, unicorns flying, shitting glitter, smiling for no reason kinda happy. cant wait. hahaha.
i think i can, i think i can... ;)

sprung

"boy, you've got me sprung on you..." member that song? no not THAT kinda sprung. but that sprung feeling when you lose a hour because of stupid day light savings aka spring forward. but spring aint even here yet, we have a couple more weeks. the days may be getting a little bit longer but the loss of one hour knocked me out. my body clock is wack anyways. weekend was chill. family everywhere. the fam gathered for the 40 days after my great grandmother's passing. cant believe its been that long. we miss you mamang, one sweet day. anyhoo, since we're in pseudo spring mood, its time for the nouveau. my weak paper trail forces me to be creative. im tryin to rock a new do though, which really means im letting my hair grow out because my broke ass has no money to get a decent haircut. hahaha. my bangs are non-existent and now im forced to middle part it. its not bad, i think. my hair is fuckin long now, i could feel my hair touch the small of my back. since i used to wear extensions on good days, people will look at my hair and ask, "natural or extensions? your hair is soooo long" i reply, "all me baby." its actually time efficient since i could go out now sans weave. but i miss my bangs. when i see a girl w/cute blunt bangs i get the itch and feen for them. its all good. i'll get off this vain tip and look forward to whatever spring has in store for me. im crossing my fingers all the way baby. time for a sesh.

btw i finally got the pix from the funeral. thanx bryan.

[pixxx]

ideal

gurrrrrl, puhleeeeeze.



"she caused...an estimated six hundred unwanted and embarrassing erections." unwanted, surrrrrrre homie. but ya, someone's ideal of beauty. it's kinda crazy how your ideals change. like what you thought you wanted: your ideal job, life, love. blah blah blah. on a deep thought, im here to say that my perceptions of the ideal "whatever" sure aint the same. i always thought i knew what i wanted and had clear vision of how it was going to happen. but shit happens. life kicks your ass. sometimes you fail things, you worked hard for. sometimes you are forced to deal w/shit, swallow your pride and make sacrifices. or sometimes people come in and out of your unexpectedly; either its in that one night[s] that takes you off your guard in a good way or that one night you get that call where you lost a beloved one. it's just crazy to think about this shit. but my ideals have definitely changed via different people and life experiences. change is the only thing that stays the same. what i once thought before is now not so much. my rose colored glasses have changed a tint. they have changed into something different, better, way more outside of the box. so far away from the box. i like that. just gotta keep my cypher rollin. i guess im all growns up now. almost. but cristina put it best: "i dont know what i want, but i do know what i dont want."



i cant sleep right now. tonight was interesting. chill actually. good way to unwind. it hit the spot. quote of the night, c: "the only thing about them is that they ____ __ _______." me: "that aint the only thing." hahahaha. all in a night. sleep comes and goes w/me. my eyes are killing me right now and i cant find my glasses. ima blindass mofo w/o my contacts or glasses. oh but i finally did something i've been wanting to: i watched VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA. finally baby. i've been wanting to watch it for the longest and now i have. its a good movie to watch by yourself because i got so into it, feeling like i was in barcelona. hahaha. but yes, i give it a 2 thumbs and toes up. penelope was bueno. i should sleep now, i have a billion and one things to do tomorrow. hike maybe? but duty calls tomorrow and my pillow wants some love. goodnight all.

juan antonio: "empty sex? do you have such a low opinion of yourself?"

so rich, so pretty

...the best piece of ass in the whole damn city.

someones getting major pussy points. now, i know everyone's shitting bricks and peeing in their panties about the collabo of makeup giant, MAC cosmetics with the biggest asian icon, Hello Kitty. but i must admit, that im getting weak for this shit. who wouldnt? its too fuckin cute. im having makeup envy. im being so girly right now. but even this pussy is telling you to OBEY. hahaha.

but for all you hello kitty fanatics check out HELLO KITTY HELL. yes everythang you could ever imagine that has to do with hello kitty: toasters, art, tattoos, guns including the Hello Kitty Vibrator. hahahaha. i kid you not. this asian chick is enjoying the shit outta it, eyes closed shut and everything. betcha cant find that at sanrio surprises. hahahaha. wtf.

over the HUMP

be mine? one day.

today marked the 40 days. but good news is that we over the hump. in the meantime, ima keep this alive for everyone. i want to meet a day like this real soon.

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

"my mind is playing tricks on me..."

This Will Make You See Things

feel like dropping acid at work but don't want to get caught? no problem. watch this video 5 times today and you'll be tripping balls. (after the dumb 30 seconds).

scapegoat

"fuck it, it's everything but me..."

It's the caffeine, the nicotine, the miligrams of tar
It's my habitat, it needs to be cleaned, it's my car
It's the fast talk they use to abuse and feed my brain
It's the cat box it needs to be changed, it's the pain
It's women, it's the plight for power it's government
It's the way you're giving knowledge
slow with thought control and subtle hints
It's rubbing it, It's itching it, It's applying cream
It's the foreigners sight seeing with high beams, It's in my dreams
It's the monsters that I conjure, It's the marijuana
It's embarrassment, displacement, it's where I wander
It's my genre, It's Madonna's videos
It's game shows, cheap liquor, blunts,
and bumper stickers with rainbows
It's angels, demons, gods, it's the white devils
It's the monitors, the soundman, it's the fucking mic levels
It's gas fumes, fast food, Tommy Hil' and mommy's pill
Columbia House music club, designer drugs and rhyming thugs
It's bloods, crips, fives, six
It's stick up kids,
It's christian conservative terrorists, it's porno flicks
It's the east coast, no it's the west coast
It's public schools, it's asbestos
It's mentholated, It's techno
It's sleep, life, and death
It's speed, coke, and meth
It's hay fever, pain relievers, oral sex, and smokers breath
It stretches for as far as the eye can see
It's reality, fuck it , it's everything but me

On and on and on and on
The list goes on and on and on and on
"it's all according that life on a whole..."

It's in the water, it's in the air, it's in the meat
It's indirect, indiscrete, inconsistent, incomplete
It's in the streets, every city and everywhere you go
In every man it's the insanity, the fantasy, the casualties
It's the health care system, it's welfare victims
It's assault weapons, it's television
religion, and it's false lessons
It's cops, police, pigs with badges guns and sticks
It's harassment and a complex you carry when you're running shit
It's wondering if you get to eat, it's the heat
It's the winter , the weather
It's herpes, and it's forever
It's the virus that takes the lives of the weak and the strong
It's the drama that keeps on between me and my seed's mom
It's that need to speak long, it's that hunger for attention
It's the wack , who attack songs of redemption
It's prevention, It's the first solution
It's loose, it's out for retribution,
it's mental pollution...and public execution
It's the nails that keep my hands and feet to these boards
It's the part time job that governs what you can afford
It's the fear, It's the fake
It's clear it can make time stop
and leave you stranded in the year of the snake
It's the dollar, yen, pound, it's all denomination
It's hourly wages for your professional observations
It's on your face and it's in your eyes
It's everything you be
Cause it ain't me, motherfucker, cause it ain't me, uh

On and on and on and on
The list goes on and on and on and on
"It's all according that life on a whole..."

think it, say it, [to] DO it

"people who say what they think and then do what they say normally get what they want out of life." -kanyeezy west.
its crunch time. my great TO DO list will be taken in effect. i can fuckin do it. i want it so bad i can taste it. someone told me i would dominate this test. & i know i will. thank you. i still believe in you.

study. eat. study. shit. study. sleep. study. study. study. eat. study. study. shit. study. study. sleep. study. study. study. study. blog. study. study. nap. study. zombie. study. study. study. study. study. study. study. study. blog. study. study. study. study. DOMINATE.

you get the jist. i know myself this is what i have TO DO.

ps. dont worry i wont forget to take some more shits.

fyi

nuff said.